Listening
by Narinder Bazen
Listening in Death Work
(You may print this out and add it to your Guidebook.)
As death workers, we use three ears:
One ear listens to our clients as they speak.
A second ear listens to what is not being said.
The third ear listens to our own intuition and divine guidance when offering words of support and care.
We also have three broader ears:
One ear listens to the collective (culture/society).
The second ear listens to the current under the collective.
The third ear listens to our own intuition, helping guide our words of support, challenge, and care.
Narinder’s Listening Pointers for Nine Keys Apprentices:
Before any conversation with my death midwifery clients, I take a moment to center myself. 🌙
Find your calm, quiet center before entering the room of a dying person or a recently bereaved individual. Even if their death care need is urgent, we show up without an “urgency vibe.” You know what I mean? It’s helpful to make centering a practice before entering ‘deathing’ conversations.
I also check in with my agenda before these conversations.
As best as we can, we must drop personal agendas that won’t serve the dying person or bereaved person. These agendas often have their roots in our egos—womp!
They’re easy to spot with practice. When we align with a vibration of ‘no agenda,’ it’s expansive. Think of it as hanging out with Infinity. Sometimes, these personal agendas involve spiritual beliefs. It’s essential to be aware of how our spiritual practices may impact the autonomy of our clients.
When I enter the room of someone who is dying, I remember I’m stepping into a holy space. ✨
It’s okay to pause and center ourselves before entering. Personal rituals like a prayer or washing hands can be grounding. We don’t have to speak much in these spaces, and we don’t need to assume they’re always somber. We simply assess the situation with our eyes, hearts, and our three ears. Death workers excel at the “soft entrance.” After a few visits, we make ourselves at home.
Opening Questions:
When a new client calls, my favorite lead-in question is:
"Would you like to tell me what’s going on over there?"
We don’t need to be formal in these conversations. Meeting clients where they are, without the professionals-mask, creates a space of connection.
The Power of Silence:
Nine Keys death workers are masters of reading a room. If we sense that our clients would like quiet, we share in that silence. Sitting bedside and meditating with a dying person can be a beautiful way to "be together." If you're uncomfortable with shared silence, take some time to practice it. You can always share concerns about this in a phone call with me.
What Not to Say:
Avoid phrases like “You poor thing” or “I feel so bad for you.”
These phrases can weaken the spirit. Instead, we meet our clients where they are and empower them if that’s what’s being asked for. We treat those who are dying as if they are living, because they are, until they’re not.
We refrain from sharing our spiritual beliefs unless asked. For example, imagine a caregiver listening to a hospice chaplain pray over their loved one who’s an atheist. It’s essential to understand your client’s faith practice. (I always ask caregivers, "Does your loved one have a particular faith?")
Practice Self-Compassion:
We’re human, and we make mistakes. 🧡
When my stepmother was dying, I whispered to her, “Find the light.” She opened her eyes, looked at me, and asked, “What?” I immediately fumbled, “Oh, nothing. I love you.” I learned from that experience!
I have a prayer I use to protect my clients (and apprentices) from my innocent mistakes. Maybe you have one too:
"Great Mother, please may any mistakes I make not hurt my client’s heart. May my mistakes go over their heads. May I learn quickly and walk in self-forgiveness." 🙏
Bless your ears, dear apprentice.
Place your hands over your ears and offer them a sweet compliment for their amazing work. Also, don’t forget to honor your intuitive ear with a huge compliment! 💫